waiting quietly

last night i reached a point of desperation......and then a beautiful place of peace......

it has been a little over a week since i got the all clear from the doctors from the cancer.....
(so YEAH!!!!)
but since the appointment...i have been almost numb.....
getting the all clear stressed me out...in a major way.....

i had spent so much time focusing on the chemo....getting through that.....
understanding what i was facing and focusing on God....
that when i did not have that....my life became a basket turnover......
i was back to a place of too many question marks......
add a stressful work week on to it and i felt like a hampster running on the wheel....
loosing his footing and being tossed around before the wheel finely stops.....

while i was getting things ready for SWITCH last night...
i began to sweat....i could not stop.....it was pouring off of me....
my first thought was hormones.....adjusting to a "normal life"....
i got some water and set down by myself for a little while......
i began to breathe.....
i began to pray and sit quietly and receive what God had for me......
this is what i typed into my cell phone as i did not have my journal....

I claim you as Lord of all that I am and all that you are making me into....

you are my bright and morning star...you are the healer of my heart...

you are my husband....you are my love.....my all powerful God...

wanting nothing but the best for your daughter....

desiring life.....desiring my heart.....broken...fractured....

happy and satisfied.....believing in you Father...

i don't have to come perfect, happy or complete.....

i just have to come...i just have to trust and know YOU!!!

i will wait quietly....

i will trust in YOUR mighty hand.....

as worship started....i stayed in a place of quietness....
in a posture to receive......
expecting nothing more then to meet with my Jesus...
to allow him to calm my fears....to quiet the raging sea.....

one of my girls....whom i love dearly.....is in a similar place.....
she came to me very frustrated....much like i had just been....
as she cried....i saw my life....i saw the tears that i could not cry......
i saw the restlessness in her eyes that was so familiar.....
i prayed for her...
i prayed she would find that peace and that quiet....
i prayed God would be all that she needed....
i prayed the words for myself as well.....

God proved faithful.....as he always does.....
God allowed me to be touched my him....God gave me strength......
it is not going to be an easy road ahead of me.....
i will be fighting my flesh....
fighting all that I am so that i can get past the lies that i have believed....
understanding God....
understanding myself....
understanding love

God...this is going to be a crazy journey...

it is crazy that you are reminding me how i am so much like Sarah.....

i have created Ishmael's while waiting for my Issac....

today....i wait for my Issac...whatever it is...

however long it takes.....

i will wait quietly

i will rest in the Lord

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip

He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forever

giving it all away.......wait....what?

God....
you know that i am struggling with this......
i have given up so much recently...
and while it has been beautiful.....
why do i have to give up the thing that you have "given" me.....
you answered my prayers....
you showed your self and confirmed in my heart the very thing that i want......
but this is my trial....this is the boulder in my life.....
a test of my faith....
to see if i am serious about following you.....
to see if i truly hold you as the most important thing.....my significance.....my life.....
until i can understand and grasp and live in this mindset....i will continually go through this cycle.

lord....teach me to do this willingly....to submit to all that you have before me...
teach me to be content in where i am at...longing only for you......

living in what he has spoken

God....you have spoken life into my heart.....you have given me a clear vision....a clear path.....i pray that i can live in it!!! i pray that i can trust you...i pray that i will live in preparation for this.....i pray that i can stand ready before you!!!

strength for today...and forever

Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion;
they will not be defeated but will endure forever,
Just as the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the Lord surrounds his people, both now and forever
Psalms125:1-2


Lord, I trust in you....
as i am walking into my fourth treatment, having already been in the depths of despair....
i trust that you are going to hold me....
i pray that you would continue working in my life.....
revealing things to me.....
helping me to understand this place that you have me.....
teach me to be yours.....
both now and forever more......

my hands hold safely to my dreams

clutching tightly not one has fallen

so many years i've shaped each one

reflecting my heart, showing who i am

now you're asking me to show

what i'm holding oh so tightly

can't open my hand; can't let go

does it matter?

should i show you?

can't you let me go?

surrender, surrender

you whisper gently

you say i will be free

i know but can't you see

my dreams are me,

my dreams are me

say you have a plan for me

and that you want the best for my life

told me the world has yet to see

what you can do with

on that's committed to your call

i know of course what i should do

that i can't hold these dreams forever

but if you give then now to you

will take them

away forever?

or can i dream again?

~ Barlow Girl~

i stand amazed....

there is one thing that i have learned from my God......
everything in my life is set into motion byt HIM....

if i live in believe of that...
i can understand how everything falls into place......

let me explain...
over the past few days i have been struggling with a "sin" in my life.....
it is something that creeps in and out of my life....causing me heartache and guilt....
i have been seeking the heart of God trying to understand why it is this particular sin that I struggle with......not that I want to invite another sin into my life...but I want to understand the root of this sin in my life....so that when it starts to happen i can better understand and address it.....
so I have been looking at this sin....looking at its effect on me.....and understanding it....
yesterday i left work early...the church that i am at was having a 12 hour prayer vigil yesterday...and i wanted to get in on some of that action......while driving i was listen to a message that a friend had given me over a week ago that I had not listened to yet.....it was on healing....while it was meant to deal with my cancer (i was healed a few weeks ago...woot woot!!)...the message that struck me the most was the message of being free from emotional hurts and habitual sins.....and as this was a place that God had me....i listened closely.
then at Switch (wed nite youth) Mark(youth pastor) was talking about in many ways the same thing.....but he approached it from the ARMOUR OF GOD angle.....taking up the things that God has already given us.....salvation (sanctification), this WORD, TRUTH and RIGHTEOUSNESS and choosing to live within these EVERYDAY!!! they are there....we just have to choose to access them......
so...my original point.....
God has been working in me for a while now...but very intensely over the last few days.....to address the power that HE has provided to me and to EVERY believer.......
i love that after attending Bible College...retreats...conmferences....seeing God's hand move over and over......this moment...the things that I "saw" in my life last night.....
still in many ways leave me BREATHE LESS!!!!

Lord,
I long to never loose the sense of amazement when it comes to you. I long to experience you everyday...and in the little things see you and know that you are God.....i long to see you in the big things......the HUGE blessings that you are sending/have sent into my life.....I pray that I never loose sight of you!!!!
Your DEVOTED daughter,
cole

my GOD

is moving mountains..
he is placing me in humbleness before his throne
there is nothing more i need in life then what he has placed before me....
there are things i see.....
there are things yet to be revealed....
for these things i wait.....
with anticipation to see HIM glorified.....
as HE and He alone opens the doors.....
and paves the road (or leaves it as gravel....for it is HIS choice)
i choose to walk in HIM....
to live in HIM....
to love HIM!!!

loving HIM will help me to love others...
especially the one that God is preparing for me.....
prayerfully he is learning to love HIM
so that he can love me in return
a beautiful, sweet love...
love only given by HIM!!

(so many HIMS......that makes me happy!!!)

in the depths

this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness.....

i had a treatment on Thursday......not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right......

Friday i was great.....but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed....and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00........

i had a lot of time to think......a lot of time to be nauseous.....a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room.......needless to say....it was a LONG weekend.....



during my "downtime" i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years.........

i thought back over the provisions.....i thought back over the hurts......i thought back over the joy.....

but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years...........

it is not that i have been all that lonely......but it is the "pain" of my life.........always wanting someone in my life....a physical person to be there.......thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me.......

especially during my journey with cancer......

i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life......

i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of....and that is not the case for me.....

don't get me wrong.....i am being taken care of in many ways......but emotionally and in some ways physically...... i feel as if i have been left out in the desert....walking by myself.......

this place is from the Lord.....it is a place that he has me....there is something is need to experience........

i feel like i could fly

so Christ has truly set us free....now make sure that you stay free......

Gal 5:1

freedom is a funny thing.........

because to be truly free ~ you have to give up your life.....

but it is not as if you are just giving it up ~ you are surrendering......

you wave your white flag and say I'm done.....

I can't do it anymore.....

i am weak

i am tired

there is nothing that i can do to make this better

what you have planned is better then what i have

the first challenge is the surrender......getting to the place where you realize that you need to give it up.......

there is pain in the offering.....giving up can seem like a failure.....it can seem like a last resort ..... to those who love there control it is the hardest....

but the moment you give something up...there is a relief that you cannot explain.....

you feel lighter knowing that a burden is lifted.

the struggle for me usually somes in a day or too....when we are tempted to pick up where we left it at the feet of Jesus.......when we think that we can do this....

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.....

I don't want to mess up what God has started

I don't want to.....

I want to be a bird that is flying thru the air....

I want to be the free to dance and sing....and not be waited down by my "stuff"

Lord that i can dance freely before you...

that i can see what you are doing and know that EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR ME!!!!!

restlessness

my heart is stirring
my mind is realing
my feet are twitching

all i want is change
all i want is newness
all i want is something other then this

lord turn this stirring toward you
prepare my heart for the move you are making
not the move i want you to make

bring peace
bring love
bring a desire for you

i don't want to seek this world for answers
i don't not want to fill my life with meaningless things
i want you to fill me and satisfy.

teach me to rest
teach me to trust
teach me to see

a light at the end of this tunnel

...for those who know me....you know that i hate feeling useless and lazy....and this weekend has been a true test of my strength and reliance on God in this area. this is been an extremely hard treatment.....after the allergic reaction i was in shock and have been nauseous most of the weekend. aside from leaving the house for a few hours (just to sit at my friends and watch movies) i have been sitting and watching TV for 3 days.....at some point in my life this would of made me happy....but i have reached a new place in my life and cannot stand to be out of it. i hate this......
i have been struggling with with loneliness......not all that new of a feeling for me...but it is extremely prevalent. i am 25.....trying to focus on what it is before me...but can't help but see what i don't have. i have so much....there are so many blessings and wonderfulness in my life..... so why am i focusing on the things that are "missing"....its not like they are really missing...as i have never really had them to begin with.....most of what i am "missing" is what i have seen others experience....not something that i have experienced........

but in all that is happening...the hardest thing is knowing that everything that i need in life......answers to questions past, present and future....could all be known to me (in time of course) if i looked into the greatest story ever told. God's word contains all that I need....everything that is uneasy in my heart is there...in black and white......so why do i not cling to it? how do i still function without? why do i struggle day in and day out for something that i know is right there in front of me?

a not so great day

yesterday was my second treatment......
it did not go so well as i had an allergic reaction to the medications.......
the nurse told my that this type of reactions usually happens with the first exposure to the medication..so it happening on the second was weird. they had to stop the drip and put some more benedryl in me....very groggy still.....want to sleep...but i am at work today...gotta make sure the boys get paid.

i am hoping that i can leave soon....go home....put on the jammers and take a good long nap.....then wake up....eat and then go back to bed as i will be sore for the next few days......

i ham hoping to finish a book this weekend as well as catch up/rewatch fav chick flicks......
this is an exciting weekend and i know that you are all jealous...just kidding!

i will repost an update at some point this weekend....
love ya muchly!!

rachel....leah.....and me?

For the last few years God has been taking me through some really rough patches so that I can become the woman that I need to be right? When you are in the midst of the grim and blah of life, it is hard to see the Glory that will come from the tears and pain. For every one, the tears and pains are different, but they are real. Lately, the pain has become a more localized. It has been focused on one area of my life. This area has honestly caused me pain for a long time, but recently has become a joyous pain! Let me explain....using a story from Scripture (where else?)Jacob, the one known as the deceiver, was a master at making his way known. He used what ever he could to get what he wanted out of life. After his mother dies, he journeys toward a new life. He stumbles upon his mother's brother, Laban, and his sheep. Upon arrival he feel in love! Before his eyes lay his dream! A woman who will fix everything!! So, he commits to work for 7 years to marry Rachel. Upon completion of his contract, the wedding festivities start! Here is where the real drama starts. Leah....oh how I identify with her. A sister, a daughter, a friend that has never quite been enough. Scripture says that she has weak eyes. Whatever the writer actually intended for us to see, to me it means she simply was not enough. Her Lord tells her, like He tells us, that she is enough. But from every angle of her life she is being told that she is not enough. Her husband constantly wants another woman. If on the off chance he comes to her, he is thinking of her more beautiful and more desirable sister. The only that she has over "Miss Perfect" is that her womb is open! Leah's only connection to the man that was forced to marry her was his children. The journey that Leah takes during this process is where I will focus that rest of my attention. When Leah discovers that she is the only one that can bear children for Jacob, she gets it stuck in her mind that this will fix all of her problems. This will make this man want her over her sister and in a sense give her power. The first son, Reuben, was intended in Rachel's heart to make her husband come to her (his name means "the Lord has looked upon my affliction: for now my husband will love me" Gen 29:32). She bore this son with the distinct purpose of her husbands attention. The second son, Simeon, brought Leah to a place of feeling desperate and hated (Gen 29:33). The third son, Levi, was a plea for help and acceptance (Gen 29:34). Leah's third pregnancy was one that brought forth a cry from deep within. The forth and final son, Judah, brought forth a different reaction all together...Peace (Gen 29:35). My journey from agony and loneliness is not that different from that of Leah. I have always felt as though I was not enough (more maybe too much at times). I never felt as if I matter to anyone, and sadly, this sometimes translated into my relationship with God. I know that I am not alone in this struggle or insecurity. When Leah was given to Jacob on her wedding day, there had to be something inside of her that longed not to be there. But maybe she hoped that once they got married that things would be different. Maybe she began the journey of justification that we all go through. We excuse things. We allow things to happen to us that are not right. We refuse to stand up for the things that we want because we feel as if we do not matter. This is the way that I see Leah. She was never wanted or desired by anyone. She wasn't the life of the party. She was plain. Then her dad comes in and says that she is to get married. It will be here that is beautiful and praised for a day! It will be here that gets the "love" of a man. She probably got caught up in the excitement of it all and did not realize the gravity of the situation. But reality quickly set in as the sun rose. Jacob, being to excited and possibly a little tipsy for the party, did not realize what had taken place. He quickly let his displeasure be known. He pitched a fit and demanded Rachel to be his bride. Laban, his father-in-law, told him to finish out the week with Leah and then he could have Rachel. So, Leah was on her honeymoon and realized that her new husband did not desire her, but her sister. Every time she was with him, he was longing to be with someone else. The one person that she has always felt inferior to. Probably the one person that she probably longed to be.
I have that person. I have the one that I have always longed to be. I have justified situations and pushed for things that are not right, only to find that I am wrong and unhappy. Wishing and hoping. Longing and desiring for things that I cannot have.
But the great thing about all of this.......GRACE!!
The journey that Leah went on from start to where we are in the story is huge. She went from a place of desperation to a place of longing for God. She realized that life is not about the pain. Life is not about the disappointment. Life is not about abandonment. Life is about God! It's about his presence in you life and about realizing that through it all His name shall be Praised!!!
So..where does Jesus come in? Jesus is known as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah! Not Levi or Simeon, or Reuben. Jesus came from the woman who was unwanted and ugly. He came from the place where Leah realized the importance of God's love in major way!
What can come from your ugliness? What can come from brokenness? What can come from being unwanted?
The greatest things ever!!!!!!
Jesus not only came form this, He experienced the very same things!!!! How much closer to the heart of God can you get?

thoughts from a troubled head......

i am starting to loose it.....
literally....
the hair is starting to come out.....slowly right now...but should gain intensity in the next few days......
i thought i was ready....atleast that I what I told myself....."its not a big deal"..."its only hair".....
but as i found out...i am not as ok as i thought......
tears have fallen......my heart has struggled.....

but this morning in our company bible study (i love that i can say that by the way)
we talked about Job. a man who lost everything (eventually) and still found it in himself to praise the God of the Universe.
Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. then he shaved his head and
fell to the ground to worship. he said......"i came naked from my
mother's womb, and i will be naked when i leave. the Lord gave
me what i had, and the lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!"
in all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.
Job 1:20-22

Job was a man of faith and endurance. this man lost everything.......and then faced major trials after that. in bible study the questions was posed "how was it that Job had this faith? how was it that he could do this"

that is a question that I have not only asked myself but been asked by those around me. everything in my life was rattled in a month's time....with the most shocking drama happening in less than 72 hours.....
yet the whole time i have longed for people to see God get the glory. I pray that everything that I am facing will brinig attention to the man that forever changed my life over 15 years ago.

someone in the meeting then compared me to Job......and this made me cry. Satan did not pick out Job....God picked Job and allowed him to be tested and tried because God knew how he would respond.
the psat few years i have struggled with my purfication process......i have struggled with all the changes that I have faced in life and trying to see the BIG picture....what good was it all for? what was happening in me? where was this going to lead? did i really need to face this all??

while there are still things that I have gone though that I do not understand.......i can see God's mighty loving hand leading me toward HIS gloruios REWARD!!!!

i amnow looking forward to being a baldy!!! I am looking forward to embracing this part of me and walking in faith that HE WILL BE GLORIFED!!!

standing amazed

there is so much going on......
i don't know where to start......
the blessings are pouring from the Father as i am learning what it means to live a surrendered life.......
i am learning things (finally) that God has been trying to teach me for years......
it is so BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!
there simply are no words to describe the magnificance that is HIS love and care!!!!


but as realtiy sets in that I am about to loose my hair......that there is a strong possibility that I may never get to give birth....i am growing weary......God is doing so much other amazing stuff in my life that I am trying to focus so much on that and see where he is taking me....

but there are days were i am lonely and hurting......there are times when i struggle to see my future......
i am longing to see where God is taking me.....longing to see my dreams come to reality......and through all of this I am able to see it.....there are little glimpses of His love shinning through....snapshots of my life.......glimpses of His magnificance and beauty......

i am still processing it all.......
i will write more later.....

ps....first chemo was not that bad.....have a more proactive approach so that next one will hopefully be even better......

the day after

i am sitting at my desk at work, 24 hours after my first treatment. i am feeling a little tired and dizzy, but nothing that i was not really expecting.
i got to spend the afternoon with my mom yesterday and that was fun...i am really starting to fall in love with mom as a friend verses just my mom......i wished i had had the chance to discover this years ago...but i will take this right now and live in this moment as long as i can.....

i had an amazing God moment yesterday as I was starting chemo. my iv was going and i was sitting in my chair.....ipod and some worship music in my ears.....reading a letter from a new friend. she was giving me words of love and encouragement from God as i was embracing what was happening......in a sweet moment of surrender, i experienced God like i never have. His love was so real to me in that moment. i knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was all over this experience and that he was loving me......and that he was protecting me in ways that i could not see......
it is amazing how our view of God changes over time. as we grow up He is this strong and mighty God....as the toils of life come, he becomes smaller and less needed......and at some points simply dis guarded........then some thing starts to change inside and we have a longing to see Him for who He is....but we can't seem to get there.....then we are forces to face the reality of God because we have no choice but to do so........

yesterday i talked to one of my best friends...she told me that she was mad at God and had absolutely no desire to fix it.....this broke my heart for many reasons....but mostly because i cannot imagine my life without this great big VICTORIOUS God.....i pray that she will listen to HIS still small voice....He is a mighty God.......

something else that I have noticed about life.......when God is the center.....there is less stress and things just seem to happen naturally......

thge day my life will change.....forever

tomorrow is the day that I start Chemo.....thursday......a day that will for a long time signifigy the drs office......a day when everything changes......

this is a day that i have been anxiously awaitng...yet dreading with so much of who I am .....

there is so much happening........

God is moving mountains...literally and figeratively.....

things are changing everyday for Him......this is the craziest time in my life........

as I am sitting here downloading some music to go onto an ipod that I borrowed from a friend....trying to get some good music to listen too that will help to keep me in the pressence of God as I am sitting there in the sterile room....

tonight at church I cried.....
God is taking me to places that I am amazed by.....providing chances for me to minster and be minstered.....God is taking me to this HUGE cliff and asking me to have faith to jump off in faith and trust HIM......allowing Him to love me truly and fully and in ways that I never thought possible.....I have learned things about God that have rocked my world already and I have not even seen the worst of it....I know that God is preparing me for something big by laying the ground work of faith and trust and love and beauty.......
i cannot imagine what He has in stort for me.....

so....what have I been thinking on these last few days.......
if God brings us to it....then He will bring us through it.......He had set every step into motion....every hair on my head (while they last) are known by him........so what in this world do I have to worry about......if God can take care of the Birds of the air (matt6) then surely he will take care of me whom he loves died for.......

Lord I pray that you will become more real to me.....I pray that i will see you EVERY STEP of the way.....i long to see you and experience that things that you have for me.......

God is amazing.......

I just talked to a lady that has offered me a free place to live during Chemo. This lady heard about me during a prayer session that a friend attended. She approached my friend and offered me a room through Chemo and a little after to get myself back on my feet. For weeks I have struggled knowing what to do and what the next step is for me to take in order for me to recover. This is huge.
It is not set in stone, but it is an offer. I am going ot meet tomorrow night and see if we will be a fit. Please be in prayer for this as I take this step and continue to trust in a GREAT GOD!!!

rambling thoughts

with all that things that are happening in my life.......why am i not freaked out? where is this peace coming from?? what is happening in my life?? this is very uncharacteristic of me

the last few months i have learned so much about myself, my family, my God and my life. here is a glimpse of my heart and the things that i have learned.....

1. no matter how much we push....God is going to win in the end
no matter what we are desiring, God will eventually shine though.......so why push for something we know we should not have and get hurt???

2. you can have dinner with friends from High School 8 yrs later and it be like you never left each other....even when there are husbands and babies involved (i love hanging out with my friends babies....when they get fussy...you can give them to there moms)

3. moving back in with your parents is humbling...i did it for surgery....those who are there for an extended period of time......i have a new respect for ya....and i am praying for you.

4. having someone to do your laundry and cook for you is great!!!!!!

5. the word cancer is scary....but the changes it brings can be amazing......freeing....

6. putting your complete faith in God is also freeing......as long as you keep it there

7. there is no formula for love.......we all love.....we all have different ways of showing it and receiving it.....the trick is allowing yourself to receive it.....letting the other persons need to love you shine through.....

8. true friends are amazing......people who use you SUCK.....but we must trust God that any interaction with truth will be used for HIS glory (i am praying for you....i pray you can find truth).

9. God shows up in the most unlikely places....and it will blow your mind!!!!

10. growing up is slightly scary because life becomes extremely REAL.....but looking at others as they grow up is beautiful......

most of these ramblings have come from the time that I have spent with 3 of my best friends from high school. i am so thankful that i have had a chance to hang out with these beautiful girls....looking at where we have come from.....and seeing where we are.....and smiling at the future. we are all in different places in life and it is beautiful!!! i have missed my girls.......

The Posture of Acceptence and Expectation

this was originally written this summer........for some reason i never posted it.....but it is very fitting for what is happening in most of our lives right now....

On Sunday (july 31, 2007) I went to church with mom & dad. (while I enjoy there church, it is not Highlands) But as I was sitting there, listening to the message, God was speaking volumes to my heart. The associate pastor was finishing up a message series that was taking the church through the book of James. I was excited as James is a book about Faith. A book about reaching deep inside and really looking not only at your heart, but at the faith the drives us all.

The pastor told a story of when he was a child visiting his grandparents during the summers. One particular summer there was a drought and being that it was a farming community, this was a rough summer for the community. His grandparents and the community spent a lot of time in church that summer praying for rain. He focused on one night in particular that has affected him to this day. During this night, they had a prayer service for rain. They prayed for a long time at the church as they had done before. But this night as they were leaving the church, he noticed something different about the way people were leaving. Everyone was looking up. As the members of the church were leaving, there heads were turned toward the sky, as if anticipating the rain. As they returned home, the nights normal routine was abandoned as his grandfather spent the evening in the carport kneeling to pray and then looking to the sky. After a moment, the process started over. After while, they returned to the house to watch some tv and hang out. The normal early to bed rhythm was also forgotten for the evening. The pastor's grandfather would take a walk outside from time to time and repeat the kneeling to pray and looking up to the sky. As morning dawned, there was no sunrise, for the rain had finally come. the pastor made a point to say that there had been many prayer services through out the community during the drought season. People of deep faith had been praying long a hard for the rain for a long time. So what was different about that night?

As I was thinking about it, I began to realize that God wants the very same thing from us. While we may not be praying for rain (although there are people that are), there are big things in our lives that we are desperate to find answers and closure for.

as i was reading my blog today....looking back over the last year....i was taken aback by this.....

as we are in a time of fasting and concentrated prayer at my church, many are seeking God for big things and many are seeking God for little things......i have a few of both.....but one thing that i am seeking God for some specific things.....i have not been faithfully praying and looking for rain!

But God i want to...i want to see you RULE and REIGN!!! i want to see your power in the areas that i have before you...i am believing in your ability to move mountains!!! for you to heal my heart! to make me the woman that you need me to be!!!!

Chemo Update

Hey Guys!!!!!
Yesterday I went to the Dr for my post op check. I was having problems with my incision which turned out to be ok (YAY!!!). During the visit, I was able to get some information about the upcoming journey commonly known as Chemo.
Dr. Austin said that I will have 4 maybe 6 treatments. They will be three weeks apart and can happen on Thursday so that I can rest over the weekend and be back at work on Monday. I will loose my hair......so I am heading to my stylist to get a cute bop in anticipation of the event. (any suggestions of a cute cut would be appreciated). I also took a moment to look over some baby pictures to see what my head will look like in just a few short weeks. and I am happy to report that I have a nice head (and as I did not have a full head of hair until I was three.....there were lots of photos to look at to verify the roundness of my pretty head).
The Dr. has put me on a multi vitamin and iron in preparation for this.
While things are good.....there are a few things that need prayer.
* I am still looking for a place to live. There are some great things in the works, but I want to be sure that I am in the place that God needs me to be during this time.
* While I will be able to work through this journey, there are still some financial needs that need to be taken care of. Again, God is already moving here, but I need to have faith in HIS provisions.
* God is doing some things in my heart through this that are bringing me some clarity about where He is taken me. Please pray that this continues and that I will take it deeper and embrace the changes that are happening.

I am so thankful to God. He is taking care of every step. I can look back over the past year, in all of its chaos and see how HE has prepared me to be right here. His hand has moved me (sometimes gently and sometimes with a little bit of pain) to the places that I need to be.
Thank You for being a part of this journey. Thank You for being a part of my life.

Sitting at His Feet,
Nicole

..do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold eoth my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10

Processing the News

It has been a week since my life changed forever. Having surgery was a major undertaking in and of itself. But in the days following, my world quickly begun to spiral seemingly out of control. I found out that they took out my appendix (by the way...what purpose does this clearly disposable organ serve?) Then i found out that I have been given a couple of years to have a family and then they are going to do a hysterectomy. Seeing as I have been wrestling with the fact that I do not really want to give birth to my own children...this was not that hard to take...well..loosing my girly parts were hard....but then the shocker came. When they took out my cyst and right ovary and tube, they discovered that it was tumor. They sent it for testing and found that it is cancerous. Luckily it is Stage 1, which means that it is the earliest that it could of been caught. After that, I was informed that I am going to need to go through a round of chemo just to ensure that it is all gone. That is a little scary and something that I am struggling with. It is scary to have chemicals and stuff entered into your veins that are so strong that they are going to make my sick adn loose my hair. This may be vanity...but I love my hair!!!! It is one of my favorite things about myself. Going bald is going to be something that I am going to have to get used too.....and what it is going to return as is scary too........
Anyway..........
Honestly, the hardest part for me is being alone. I am surrounded my friends and family and have lots of support, some coming from places I never expected. I am greatful for the people in my life and am trying to accept the way that they are showing there love to me. Everyone loves diffrently. Everyone shows there the only way they can. And what I have been discovering over time is that the problem that most have is two fold. Love has expectations. The person giving and the person receiving expect something from their "transaction" (not to reduce love to a gas station purchase....but stay with me). The thing that I have been learning is that the people who love me the most have a need to let me know. They are struggling with the information as much as I am. They are trying to wrap their brains around what their lives are going to be like and try to understand what their rolls need to be/can be to me during this. The beat example that I have of this is the relationship that I have with my mom. I know that she loves me...she's mom.....but I have struggled over the past few years trying to connect with her on the level of the woman that I have become during my years away from her at college and beyond. Both mom and dad are amazing, but as with most of us, there are things about them that drive me crazy.
But God has given me a chance to see them completely differently over the past month of so...especially in this last week.
so in short here is what I have learned......
I cannot change the way that someone loves me. I cannot necessarily look at Bubba and say....."I need you to love me this way.." (please note that I believe there are times when this is called for......but this is not one of those times)
Me.....the one who needs love and acceptance in EVERY WAY right now......I need to be able to look at Bubba and say....."thank you for loving me". No matter what it looks like. No matter if it is exactly what my heart is longing for or expecting. I have to trust that God is using Bubba, Frank, June, and Shelia to love me the way the HE needs me to be loved.

TO get extremely personal with you......the root of my loneliness is in the fact that I am about to be 25, am facing cancer, and i am single. God has never given me the chance to experience love in a relationship like that. That is something that I long for. Facing this alone, in my mind, is absolutely terrifying. So at the core of this love journey is God. God is calling me to a place of trusting HIM and Him alone during this time. I need to allow God to love me, comfort me, cherish me, sing over me, support me, and simply be there for me like never before. He needs to be the husband to the husband less.
If I learn nothing else from this, I pray that this is the thing that I can take away.......a chance to experience an intimate God in an intimate way.

The Lord's Chastening

Deep water conceals great treasure. Pearls lie there, and masses of precious things that make a miser's eye gleam like a star. Down deep are the wrecks of old Spanish galleons lost centuries ago. There they lie, huge mines of wealth. So it is with the deep judgments of God (Ps. 36:6). Wisdom is concealed there, treasures of love and faithfulness. If we could only understand that there is as much wisdom in some of God's deep afflictions as there is in the creation of the world. God afflicts His people artistically. His is never a random blow. Only marvelous skill lies in the Lord's chastening. Thus we are told, "Do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction" (Prov 3:11).
Treasures are concealed in the great depths. We do not receive or even perceive th4e present and immediate benefit of some of our afflictions. Affliction in our youth may be intended for the ripening of our old age. Today's affliction may have no mean9ing for today; it may be designed for circumstances fifty years ahead.
Why then will you not let the Lord have time? Why are you in a hurry? Why do you perpetually ask, "Explain this now, and show me the present motive and reason." "A thousand years in Your sight are like yesterday when it is past, and like a watch in the might" (Ps. 90:4). The mighty God takes mighty time to work out His grand results. Therefore, be content to let the treasures lie at the bottom of the deep. Everything that is stored in the great deep eternal purpose belongs to you. Rejoice in it. Let it lie there until God chooses to raise it for your spiritual enrichment.
~ Charles Spurgeon