last night i reached a point of desperation......and then a beautiful place of peace......
it has been a little over a week since i got the all clear from the doctors from the cancer.....
(so YEAH!!!!)
but since the appointment...i have been almost numb.....
getting the all clear stressed me out...in a major way.....
i had spent so much time focusing on the chemo....getting through that.....
understanding what i was facing and focusing on God....
that when i did not have that....my life became a basket turnover......
i was back to a place of too many question marks......
add a stressful work week on to it and i felt like a hampster running on the wheel....
loosing his footing and being tossed around before the wheel finely stops.....
while i was getting things ready for SWITCH last night...
i began to sweat....i could not stop.....it was pouring off of me....
my first thought was hormones.....adjusting to a "normal life"....
i got some water and set down by myself for a little while......
i began to breathe.....
i began to pray and sit quietly and receive what God had for me......
this is what i typed into my cell phone as i did not have my journal....
as worship started....i stayed in a place of quietness....
in a posture to receive......
expecting nothing more then to meet with my Jesus...
to allow him to calm my fears....to quiet the raging sea.....
one of my girls....whom i love dearly.....is in a similar place.....
she came to me very frustrated....much like i had just been....
as she cried....i saw my life....i saw the tears that i could not cry......
i saw the restlessness in her eyes that was so familiar.....
i prayed for her...
i prayed she would find that peace and that quiet....
i prayed God would be all that she needed....
i prayed the words for myself as well.....
God proved faithful.....as he always does.....
God allowed me to be touched my him....God gave me strength......
it is not going to be an easy road ahead of me.....
i will be fighting my flesh....
fighting all that I am so that i can get past the lies that i have believed....
understanding God....
understanding myself....
understanding love
