a light at the end of this tunnel

...for those who know me....you know that i hate feeling useless and lazy....and this weekend has been a true test of my strength and reliance on God in this area. this is been an extremely hard treatment.....after the allergic reaction i was in shock and have been nauseous most of the weekend. aside from leaving the house for a few hours (just to sit at my friends and watch movies) i have been sitting and watching TV for 3 days.....at some point in my life this would of made me happy....but i have reached a new place in my life and cannot stand to be out of it. i hate this......
i have been struggling with with loneliness......not all that new of a feeling for me...but it is extremely prevalent. i am 25.....trying to focus on what it is before me...but can't help but see what i don't have. i have so much....there are so many blessings and wonderfulness in my life..... so why am i focusing on the things that are "missing"....its not like they are really missing...as i have never really had them to begin with.....most of what i am "missing" is what i have seen others experience....not something that i have experienced........

but in all that is happening...the hardest thing is knowing that everything that i need in life......answers to questions past, present and future....could all be known to me (in time of course) if i looked into the greatest story ever told. God's word contains all that I need....everything that is uneasy in my heart is there...in black and white......so why do i not cling to it? how do i still function without? why do i struggle day in and day out for something that i know is right there in front of me?

a not so great day

yesterday was my second treatment......
it did not go so well as i had an allergic reaction to the medications.......
the nurse told my that this type of reactions usually happens with the first exposure to the medication..so it happening on the second was weird. they had to stop the drip and put some more benedryl in me....very groggy still.....want to sleep...but i am at work today...gotta make sure the boys get paid.

i am hoping that i can leave soon....go home....put on the jammers and take a good long nap.....then wake up....eat and then go back to bed as i will be sore for the next few days......

i ham hoping to finish a book this weekend as well as catch up/rewatch fav chick flicks......
this is an exciting weekend and i know that you are all jealous...just kidding!

i will repost an update at some point this weekend....
love ya muchly!!

rachel....leah.....and me?

For the last few years God has been taking me through some really rough patches so that I can become the woman that I need to be right? When you are in the midst of the grim and blah of life, it is hard to see the Glory that will come from the tears and pain. For every one, the tears and pains are different, but they are real. Lately, the pain has become a more localized. It has been focused on one area of my life. This area has honestly caused me pain for a long time, but recently has become a joyous pain! Let me explain....using a story from Scripture (where else?)Jacob, the one known as the deceiver, was a master at making his way known. He used what ever he could to get what he wanted out of life. After his mother dies, he journeys toward a new life. He stumbles upon his mother's brother, Laban, and his sheep. Upon arrival he feel in love! Before his eyes lay his dream! A woman who will fix everything!! So, he commits to work for 7 years to marry Rachel. Upon completion of his contract, the wedding festivities start! Here is where the real drama starts. Leah....oh how I identify with her. A sister, a daughter, a friend that has never quite been enough. Scripture says that she has weak eyes. Whatever the writer actually intended for us to see, to me it means she simply was not enough. Her Lord tells her, like He tells us, that she is enough. But from every angle of her life she is being told that she is not enough. Her husband constantly wants another woman. If on the off chance he comes to her, he is thinking of her more beautiful and more desirable sister. The only that she has over "Miss Perfect" is that her womb is open! Leah's only connection to the man that was forced to marry her was his children. The journey that Leah takes during this process is where I will focus that rest of my attention. When Leah discovers that she is the only one that can bear children for Jacob, she gets it stuck in her mind that this will fix all of her problems. This will make this man want her over her sister and in a sense give her power. The first son, Reuben, was intended in Rachel's heart to make her husband come to her (his name means "the Lord has looked upon my affliction: for now my husband will love me" Gen 29:32). She bore this son with the distinct purpose of her husbands attention. The second son, Simeon, brought Leah to a place of feeling desperate and hated (Gen 29:33). The third son, Levi, was a plea for help and acceptance (Gen 29:34). Leah's third pregnancy was one that brought forth a cry from deep within. The forth and final son, Judah, brought forth a different reaction all together...Peace (Gen 29:35). My journey from agony and loneliness is not that different from that of Leah. I have always felt as though I was not enough (more maybe too much at times). I never felt as if I matter to anyone, and sadly, this sometimes translated into my relationship with God. I know that I am not alone in this struggle or insecurity. When Leah was given to Jacob on her wedding day, there had to be something inside of her that longed not to be there. But maybe she hoped that once they got married that things would be different. Maybe she began the journey of justification that we all go through. We excuse things. We allow things to happen to us that are not right. We refuse to stand up for the things that we want because we feel as if we do not matter. This is the way that I see Leah. She was never wanted or desired by anyone. She wasn't the life of the party. She was plain. Then her dad comes in and says that she is to get married. It will be here that is beautiful and praised for a day! It will be here that gets the "love" of a man. She probably got caught up in the excitement of it all and did not realize the gravity of the situation. But reality quickly set in as the sun rose. Jacob, being to excited and possibly a little tipsy for the party, did not realize what had taken place. He quickly let his displeasure be known. He pitched a fit and demanded Rachel to be his bride. Laban, his father-in-law, told him to finish out the week with Leah and then he could have Rachel. So, Leah was on her honeymoon and realized that her new husband did not desire her, but her sister. Every time she was with him, he was longing to be with someone else. The one person that she has always felt inferior to. Probably the one person that she probably longed to be.
I have that person. I have the one that I have always longed to be. I have justified situations and pushed for things that are not right, only to find that I am wrong and unhappy. Wishing and hoping. Longing and desiring for things that I cannot have.
But the great thing about all of this.......GRACE!!
The journey that Leah went on from start to where we are in the story is huge. She went from a place of desperation to a place of longing for God. She realized that life is not about the pain. Life is not about the disappointment. Life is not about abandonment. Life is about God! It's about his presence in you life and about realizing that through it all His name shall be Praised!!!
So..where does Jesus come in? Jesus is known as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah! Not Levi or Simeon, or Reuben. Jesus came from the woman who was unwanted and ugly. He came from the place where Leah realized the importance of God's love in major way!
What can come from your ugliness? What can come from brokenness? What can come from being unwanted?
The greatest things ever!!!!!!
Jesus not only came form this, He experienced the very same things!!!! How much closer to the heart of God can you get?

thoughts from a troubled head......

i am starting to loose it.....
literally....
the hair is starting to come out.....slowly right now...but should gain intensity in the next few days......
i thought i was ready....atleast that I what I told myself....."its not a big deal"..."its only hair".....
but as i found out...i am not as ok as i thought......
tears have fallen......my heart has struggled.....

but this morning in our company bible study (i love that i can say that by the way)
we talked about Job. a man who lost everything (eventually) and still found it in himself to praise the God of the Universe.
Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. then he shaved his head and
fell to the ground to worship. he said......"i came naked from my
mother's womb, and i will be naked when i leave. the Lord gave
me what i had, and the lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!"
in all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.
Job 1:20-22

Job was a man of faith and endurance. this man lost everything.......and then faced major trials after that. in bible study the questions was posed "how was it that Job had this faith? how was it that he could do this"

that is a question that I have not only asked myself but been asked by those around me. everything in my life was rattled in a month's time....with the most shocking drama happening in less than 72 hours.....
yet the whole time i have longed for people to see God get the glory. I pray that everything that I am facing will brinig attention to the man that forever changed my life over 15 years ago.

someone in the meeting then compared me to Job......and this made me cry. Satan did not pick out Job....God picked Job and allowed him to be tested and tried because God knew how he would respond.
the psat few years i have struggled with my purfication process......i have struggled with all the changes that I have faced in life and trying to see the BIG picture....what good was it all for? what was happening in me? where was this going to lead? did i really need to face this all??

while there are still things that I have gone though that I do not understand.......i can see God's mighty loving hand leading me toward HIS gloruios REWARD!!!!

i amnow looking forward to being a baldy!!! I am looking forward to embracing this part of me and walking in faith that HE WILL BE GLORIFED!!!

standing amazed

there is so much going on......
i don't know where to start......
the blessings are pouring from the Father as i am learning what it means to live a surrendered life.......
i am learning things (finally) that God has been trying to teach me for years......
it is so BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!
there simply are no words to describe the magnificance that is HIS love and care!!!!


but as realtiy sets in that I am about to loose my hair......that there is a strong possibility that I may never get to give birth....i am growing weary......God is doing so much other amazing stuff in my life that I am trying to focus so much on that and see where he is taking me....

but there are days were i am lonely and hurting......there are times when i struggle to see my future......
i am longing to see where God is taking me.....longing to see my dreams come to reality......and through all of this I am able to see it.....there are little glimpses of His love shinning through....snapshots of my life.......glimpses of His magnificance and beauty......

i am still processing it all.......
i will write more later.....

ps....first chemo was not that bad.....have a more proactive approach so that next one will hopefully be even better......