the day after

i am sitting at my desk at work, 24 hours after my first treatment. i am feeling a little tired and dizzy, but nothing that i was not really expecting.
i got to spend the afternoon with my mom yesterday and that was fun...i am really starting to fall in love with mom as a friend verses just my mom......i wished i had had the chance to discover this years ago...but i will take this right now and live in this moment as long as i can.....

i had an amazing God moment yesterday as I was starting chemo. my iv was going and i was sitting in my chair.....ipod and some worship music in my ears.....reading a letter from a new friend. she was giving me words of love and encouragement from God as i was embracing what was happening......in a sweet moment of surrender, i experienced God like i never have. His love was so real to me in that moment. i knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was all over this experience and that he was loving me......and that he was protecting me in ways that i could not see......
it is amazing how our view of God changes over time. as we grow up He is this strong and mighty God....as the toils of life come, he becomes smaller and less needed......and at some points simply dis guarded........then some thing starts to change inside and we have a longing to see Him for who He is....but we can't seem to get there.....then we are forces to face the reality of God because we have no choice but to do so........

yesterday i talked to one of my best friends...she told me that she was mad at God and had absolutely no desire to fix it.....this broke my heart for many reasons....but mostly because i cannot imagine my life without this great big VICTORIOUS God.....i pray that she will listen to HIS still small voice....He is a mighty God.......

something else that I have noticed about life.......when God is the center.....there is less stress and things just seem to happen naturally......

thge day my life will change.....forever

tomorrow is the day that I start Chemo.....thursday......a day that will for a long time signifigy the drs office......a day when everything changes......

this is a day that i have been anxiously awaitng...yet dreading with so much of who I am .....

there is so much happening........

God is moving mountains...literally and figeratively.....

things are changing everyday for Him......this is the craziest time in my life........

as I am sitting here downloading some music to go onto an ipod that I borrowed from a friend....trying to get some good music to listen too that will help to keep me in the pressence of God as I am sitting there in the sterile room....

tonight at church I cried.....
God is taking me to places that I am amazed by.....providing chances for me to minster and be minstered.....God is taking me to this HUGE cliff and asking me to have faith to jump off in faith and trust HIM......allowing Him to love me truly and fully and in ways that I never thought possible.....I have learned things about God that have rocked my world already and I have not even seen the worst of it....I know that God is preparing me for something big by laying the ground work of faith and trust and love and beauty.......
i cannot imagine what He has in stort for me.....

so....what have I been thinking on these last few days.......
if God brings us to it....then He will bring us through it.......He had set every step into motion....every hair on my head (while they last) are known by him........so what in this world do I have to worry about......if God can take care of the Birds of the air (matt6) then surely he will take care of me whom he loves died for.......

Lord I pray that you will become more real to me.....I pray that i will see you EVERY STEP of the way.....i long to see you and experience that things that you have for me.......

God is amazing.......

I just talked to a lady that has offered me a free place to live during Chemo. This lady heard about me during a prayer session that a friend attended. She approached my friend and offered me a room through Chemo and a little after to get myself back on my feet. For weeks I have struggled knowing what to do and what the next step is for me to take in order for me to recover. This is huge.
It is not set in stone, but it is an offer. I am going ot meet tomorrow night and see if we will be a fit. Please be in prayer for this as I take this step and continue to trust in a GREAT GOD!!!

rambling thoughts

with all that things that are happening in my life.......why am i not freaked out? where is this peace coming from?? what is happening in my life?? this is very uncharacteristic of me

the last few months i have learned so much about myself, my family, my God and my life. here is a glimpse of my heart and the things that i have learned.....

1. no matter how much we push....God is going to win in the end
no matter what we are desiring, God will eventually shine though.......so why push for something we know we should not have and get hurt???

2. you can have dinner with friends from High School 8 yrs later and it be like you never left each other....even when there are husbands and babies involved (i love hanging out with my friends babies....when they get fussy...you can give them to there moms)

3. moving back in with your parents is humbling...i did it for surgery....those who are there for an extended period of time......i have a new respect for ya....and i am praying for you.

4. having someone to do your laundry and cook for you is great!!!!!!

5. the word cancer is scary....but the changes it brings can be amazing......freeing....

6. putting your complete faith in God is also freeing......as long as you keep it there

7. there is no formula for love.......we all love.....we all have different ways of showing it and receiving it.....the trick is allowing yourself to receive it.....letting the other persons need to love you shine through.....

8. true friends are amazing......people who use you SUCK.....but we must trust God that any interaction with truth will be used for HIS glory (i am praying for you....i pray you can find truth).

9. God shows up in the most unlikely places....and it will blow your mind!!!!

10. growing up is slightly scary because life becomes extremely REAL.....but looking at others as they grow up is beautiful......

most of these ramblings have come from the time that I have spent with 3 of my best friends from high school. i am so thankful that i have had a chance to hang out with these beautiful girls....looking at where we have come from.....and seeing where we are.....and smiling at the future. we are all in different places in life and it is beautiful!!! i have missed my girls.......