teach me to breath

my heart is breaking….
but i am not real sure why…..
God has done so much….spoken so many things to my heart…..moved huge mountains…..why am i struggling so hard to have faith?

this morning at our prayer meeting Pastor Chris shared several verses on standing in faith…some encouragement for keeping strong……

luke 18:1 then Jesus told them….they should always pray and not give up
heb 12:3 consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart
gal 6:7-9 do not be deceived… let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Ro 4:19-21 without weakening in his faith…..he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God….being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Heb 11:11 by faith Abraham…..was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made a promise.

Lord i want to stand in these verse….
i want to stand in all that you are…..in all that you have spoken…..

but my heart is breaking as i watch him fall apart…..
i wish i could take his pain away….show him your heart….show him what you have spoken to me…..
but i am to wait….i am to stand in faith…..but there are days when i feel like i cannot even breath….where i am funning on a treadmill getting no where…..
i will wait….i will watch as some one else takes hold of my promise….as “hagar” steals my joy…..
but i will not be bitter….i will not be get jealous….
that is my prayer…..that my faith will not waver…..i will not become weary…that I will become be strengthened…….

Lord….give me strength……teach me to breath……

leaving the past behind.....

..one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and

straining toward what is ahead, i press on

toward the goal to win the prize for which God

has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

phil 3:13b-14

this morning i went to a prayer service at church.....i have grown to love praying every morning with this group of people....waking up and getting ready for my day in the presence of God has been amazing.....truly.....

but this morning was especially wonderful for me.....

you see i have been struggling for months...wrestling not only with my flesh, but with God

a few months a go he spoke very clearly to me....and what he spoke into my heart scared me a little but offered a real peace as well...God spoke very specifically about my life....my future and what it would look like and who would be included in that......at first i was ok with it....i was excited!! it was a beautiful picture of my life.....

but as time ticked away i began to grow anxious about so many things....

why was my future not coming now? why was God holding out on me? (a familiar feeling/ struggle)

this joined with no sleep last night as i was wrestling with so much of my flesh.....i was ripe for a bold encounter with my God.

so back to this morning....as i walk into the room, Pastor Layne began to read this passage.....a sweet passage that i haven't read in a while as it was read at my grandmothers funeral a few years ago.....

but this morning i saw something different......and it spoke right to my heart.....

forgetting what is behind...Layne focused on forgetting what God had spoken.....(or shall i say that is what God opened up in me)......he challenged us to think differently& pray differently..

this is something i had been trying to do....

this was something that loving people had opened my heart toward, but i had been very resistant to it....it meant loosing something...actually loosing control (most of us have that issue)

but more then that....

instead of letting God continue to work in me and move in my heart afresh...i was eating last months feast!!!!

i was settling for living in what HAD happened and not looking to live in what WAS happening....

when i realized that this morning....everything changed!

i was missing out on so much by clinging to a moment with my God that happened months ago. i know there will be times when we have to cling to what God has spoken as it will be all that we have.....

but right now..for me....if God is calling me deeper into his love...then i do not need to stand here....i need to run toward his heart!!! run after all that God is!!!!

Lord I cannot wait for you to move!! I cannot wait to see where you are going to take me......

how

how do i let him in?
how do i open my heart....a heart so wounded by life?
a heart that is longing for love...and has the chance to have it....but can't allow him in?

Lord....heal the hurt...make me whole....let me open my heart to the one that you have given me.....help me open up to You and what you have....help me to step into the doors that you are opening....help me to understand what you are speaking....help me to listen to your heart!

Lord you are showing me my future....you are developing a heart for ministry and life.....you are giving me a passion for you and those who have no idea who you are.....
please clarify who i am and where you are leading me.....
take me deeper with you!!