my GOD

is moving mountains..
he is placing me in humbleness before his throne
there is nothing more i need in life then what he has placed before me....
there are things i see.....
there are things yet to be revealed....
for these things i wait.....
with anticipation to see HIM glorified.....
as HE and He alone opens the doors.....
and paves the road (or leaves it as gravel....for it is HIS choice)
i choose to walk in HIM....
to live in HIM....
to love HIM!!!

loving HIM will help me to love others...
especially the one that God is preparing for me.....
prayerfully he is learning to love HIM
so that he can love me in return
a beautiful, sweet love...
love only given by HIM!!

(so many HIMS......that makes me happy!!!)

in the depths

this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness.....

i had a treatment on Thursday......not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right......

Friday i was great.....but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed....and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00........

i had a lot of time to think......a lot of time to be nauseous.....a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room.......needless to say....it was a LONG weekend.....



during my "downtime" i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years.........

i thought back over the provisions.....i thought back over the hurts......i thought back over the joy.....

but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years...........

it is not that i have been all that lonely......but it is the "pain" of my life.........always wanting someone in my life....a physical person to be there.......thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me.......

especially during my journey with cancer......

i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life......

i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of....and that is not the case for me.....

don't get me wrong.....i am being taken care of in many ways......but emotionally and in some ways physically...... i feel as if i have been left out in the desert....walking by myself.......

this place is from the Lord.....it is a place that he has me....there is something is need to experience........

i feel like i could fly

so Christ has truly set us free....now make sure that you stay free......

Gal 5:1

freedom is a funny thing.........

because to be truly free ~ you have to give up your life.....

but it is not as if you are just giving it up ~ you are surrendering......

you wave your white flag and say I'm done.....

I can't do it anymore.....

i am weak

i am tired

there is nothing that i can do to make this better

what you have planned is better then what i have

the first challenge is the surrender......getting to the place where you realize that you need to give it up.......

there is pain in the offering.....giving up can seem like a failure.....it can seem like a last resort ..... to those who love there control it is the hardest....

but the moment you give something up...there is a relief that you cannot explain.....

you feel lighter knowing that a burden is lifted.

the struggle for me usually somes in a day or too....when we are tempted to pick up where we left it at the feet of Jesus.......when we think that we can do this....

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.....

I don't want to mess up what God has started

I don't want to.....

I want to be a bird that is flying thru the air....

I want to be the free to dance and sing....and not be waited down by my "stuff"

Lord that i can dance freely before you...

that i can see what you are doing and know that EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR ME!!!!!

restlessness

my heart is stirring
my mind is realing
my feet are twitching

all i want is change
all i want is newness
all i want is something other then this

lord turn this stirring toward you
prepare my heart for the move you are making
not the move i want you to make

bring peace
bring love
bring a desire for you

i don't want to seek this world for answers
i don't not want to fill my life with meaningless things
i want you to fill me and satisfy.

teach me to rest
teach me to trust
teach me to see