i moved my blog

head over to http://humbledheart.wordpress.com

as i wait....

hide me now
under your wings
cover me
within your mighty hand

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
i will be still and know you are God.

find rest my soul
in Christ alone
know His power
in quietness and trust
~ Hillsong "Still"

the last 72 hours have been extremely rough.....God is taking care of me....but it still does not take a way the pain that i am feeling.....
my heart hurts....
i am frustrated....
i am lonely....
i do not understand why....

i am praying for strength and clarity!
i am asking that God would comfort me
change my heart so that it aligns with his
keep my heart pure as i wait...

when satan is mad

you know that God has an amazing oppurtunity before you....
a chance to experience something great......a once and a life time kinda encounter.....
and you say yes.....you submit to this thing that is going to change your life forever!!!!

as a believer this is something that we become accustomed to....it is an almost a regular thing.....

but yet we seem to forget it is coming.....
that is the place where i find myself right now....

i am headed to China!!! an amazing oppurtunity to change a portion of this world for eternity.....
but low and behold....and $500 later....my car is still not fixed......

i am trusting that God is going to take care of it all.....
all the debt...
all the money i need to raise....
all of it....

just as he takes care of the the lillies and the birds.....
and giving good gifts to his children....

satan...take that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

teach me to breath

my heart is breaking….
but i am not real sure why…..
God has done so much….spoken so many things to my heart…..moved huge mountains…..why am i struggling so hard to have faith?

this morning at our prayer meeting Pastor Chris shared several verses on standing in faith…some encouragement for keeping strong……

luke 18:1 then Jesus told them….they should always pray and not give up
heb 12:3 consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart
gal 6:7-9 do not be deceived… let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Ro 4:19-21 without weakening in his faith…..he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God….being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Heb 11:11 by faith Abraham…..was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made a promise.

Lord i want to stand in these verse….
i want to stand in all that you are…..in all that you have spoken…..

but my heart is breaking as i watch him fall apart…..
i wish i could take his pain away….show him your heart….show him what you have spoken to me…..
but i am to wait….i am to stand in faith…..but there are days when i feel like i cannot even breath….where i am funning on a treadmill getting no where…..
i will wait….i will watch as some one else takes hold of my promise….as “hagar” steals my joy…..
but i will not be bitter….i will not be get jealous….
that is my prayer…..that my faith will not waver…..i will not become weary…that I will become be strengthened…….

Lord….give me strength……teach me to breath……

leaving the past behind.....

..one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and

straining toward what is ahead, i press on

toward the goal to win the prize for which God

has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

phil 3:13b-14

this morning i went to a prayer service at church.....i have grown to love praying every morning with this group of people....waking up and getting ready for my day in the presence of God has been amazing.....truly.....

but this morning was especially wonderful for me.....

you see i have been struggling for months...wrestling not only with my flesh, but with God

a few months a go he spoke very clearly to me....and what he spoke into my heart scared me a little but offered a real peace as well...God spoke very specifically about my life....my future and what it would look like and who would be included in that......at first i was ok with it....i was excited!! it was a beautiful picture of my life.....

but as time ticked away i began to grow anxious about so many things....

why was my future not coming now? why was God holding out on me? (a familiar feeling/ struggle)

this joined with no sleep last night as i was wrestling with so much of my flesh.....i was ripe for a bold encounter with my God.

so back to this morning....as i walk into the room, Pastor Layne began to read this passage.....a sweet passage that i haven't read in a while as it was read at my grandmothers funeral a few years ago.....

but this morning i saw something different......and it spoke right to my heart.....

forgetting what is behind...Layne focused on forgetting what God had spoken.....(or shall i say that is what God opened up in me)......he challenged us to think differently& pray differently..

this is something i had been trying to do....

this was something that loving people had opened my heart toward, but i had been very resistant to it....it meant loosing something...actually loosing control (most of us have that issue)

but more then that....

instead of letting God continue to work in me and move in my heart afresh...i was eating last months feast!!!!

i was settling for living in what HAD happened and not looking to live in what WAS happening....

when i realized that this morning....everything changed!

i was missing out on so much by clinging to a moment with my God that happened months ago. i know there will be times when we have to cling to what God has spoken as it will be all that we have.....

but right now..for me....if God is calling me deeper into his love...then i do not need to stand here....i need to run toward his heart!!! run after all that God is!!!!

Lord I cannot wait for you to move!! I cannot wait to see where you are going to take me......

how

how do i let him in?
how do i open my heart....a heart so wounded by life?
a heart that is longing for love...and has the chance to have it....but can't allow him in?

Lord....heal the hurt...make me whole....let me open my heart to the one that you have given me.....help me open up to You and what you have....help me to step into the doors that you are opening....help me to understand what you are speaking....help me to listen to your heart!

Lord you are showing me my future....you are developing a heart for ministry and life.....you are giving me a passion for you and those who have no idea who you are.....
please clarify who i am and where you are leading me.....
take me deeper with you!!

waiting quietly

last night i reached a point of desperation......and then a beautiful place of peace......

it has been a little over a week since i got the all clear from the doctors from the cancer.....
(so YEAH!!!!)
but since the appointment...i have been almost numb.....
getting the all clear stressed me out...in a major way.....

i had spent so much time focusing on the chemo....getting through that.....
understanding what i was facing and focusing on God....
that when i did not have that....my life became a basket turnover......
i was back to a place of too many question marks......
add a stressful work week on to it and i felt like a hampster running on the wheel....
loosing his footing and being tossed around before the wheel finely stops.....

while i was getting things ready for SWITCH last night...
i began to sweat....i could not stop.....it was pouring off of me....
my first thought was hormones.....adjusting to a "normal life"....
i got some water and set down by myself for a little while......
i began to breathe.....
i began to pray and sit quietly and receive what God had for me......
this is what i typed into my cell phone as i did not have my journal....

I claim you as Lord of all that I am and all that you are making me into....

you are my bright and morning star...you are the healer of my heart...

you are my husband....you are my love.....my all powerful God...

wanting nothing but the best for your daughter....

desiring life.....desiring my heart.....broken...fractured....

happy and satisfied.....believing in you Father...

i don't have to come perfect, happy or complete.....

i just have to come...i just have to trust and know YOU!!!

i will wait quietly....

i will trust in YOUR mighty hand.....

as worship started....i stayed in a place of quietness....
in a posture to receive......
expecting nothing more then to meet with my Jesus...
to allow him to calm my fears....to quiet the raging sea.....

one of my girls....whom i love dearly.....is in a similar place.....
she came to me very frustrated....much like i had just been....
as she cried....i saw my life....i saw the tears that i could not cry......
i saw the restlessness in her eyes that was so familiar.....
i prayed for her...
i prayed she would find that peace and that quiet....
i prayed God would be all that she needed....
i prayed the words for myself as well.....

God proved faithful.....as he always does.....
God allowed me to be touched my him....God gave me strength......
it is not going to be an easy road ahead of me.....
i will be fighting my flesh....
fighting all that I am so that i can get past the lies that i have believed....
understanding God....
understanding myself....
understanding love

God...this is going to be a crazy journey...

it is crazy that you are reminding me how i am so much like Sarah.....

i have created Ishmael's while waiting for my Issac....

today....i wait for my Issac...whatever it is...

however long it takes.....

i will wait quietly

i will rest in the Lord

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip

He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forever

giving it all away.......wait....what?

God....
you know that i am struggling with this......
i have given up so much recently...
and while it has been beautiful.....
why do i have to give up the thing that you have "given" me.....
you answered my prayers....
you showed your self and confirmed in my heart the very thing that i want......
but this is my trial....this is the boulder in my life.....
a test of my faith....
to see if i am serious about following you.....
to see if i truly hold you as the most important thing.....my significance.....my life.....
until i can understand and grasp and live in this mindset....i will continually go through this cycle.

lord....teach me to do this willingly....to submit to all that you have before me...
teach me to be content in where i am at...longing only for you......

living in what he has spoken

God....you have spoken life into my heart.....you have given me a clear vision....a clear path.....i pray that i can live in it!!! i pray that i can trust you...i pray that i will live in preparation for this.....i pray that i can stand ready before you!!!

strength for today...and forever

Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion;
they will not be defeated but will endure forever,
Just as the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the Lord surrounds his people, both now and forever
Psalms125:1-2


Lord, I trust in you....
as i am walking into my fourth treatment, having already been in the depths of despair....
i trust that you are going to hold me....
i pray that you would continue working in my life.....
revealing things to me.....
helping me to understand this place that you have me.....
teach me to be yours.....
both now and forever more......

my hands hold safely to my dreams

clutching tightly not one has fallen

so many years i've shaped each one

reflecting my heart, showing who i am

now you're asking me to show

what i'm holding oh so tightly

can't open my hand; can't let go

does it matter?

should i show you?

can't you let me go?

surrender, surrender

you whisper gently

you say i will be free

i know but can't you see

my dreams are me,

my dreams are me

say you have a plan for me

and that you want the best for my life

told me the world has yet to see

what you can do with

on that's committed to your call

i know of course what i should do

that i can't hold these dreams forever

but if you give then now to you

will take them

away forever?

or can i dream again?

~ Barlow Girl~

i stand amazed....

there is one thing that i have learned from my God......
everything in my life is set into motion byt HIM....

if i live in believe of that...
i can understand how everything falls into place......

let me explain...
over the past few days i have been struggling with a "sin" in my life.....
it is something that creeps in and out of my life....causing me heartache and guilt....
i have been seeking the heart of God trying to understand why it is this particular sin that I struggle with......not that I want to invite another sin into my life...but I want to understand the root of this sin in my life....so that when it starts to happen i can better understand and address it.....
so I have been looking at this sin....looking at its effect on me.....and understanding it....
yesterday i left work early...the church that i am at was having a 12 hour prayer vigil yesterday...and i wanted to get in on some of that action......while driving i was listen to a message that a friend had given me over a week ago that I had not listened to yet.....it was on healing....while it was meant to deal with my cancer (i was healed a few weeks ago...woot woot!!)...the message that struck me the most was the message of being free from emotional hurts and habitual sins.....and as this was a place that God had me....i listened closely.
then at Switch (wed nite youth) Mark(youth pastor) was talking about in many ways the same thing.....but he approached it from the ARMOUR OF GOD angle.....taking up the things that God has already given us.....salvation (sanctification), this WORD, TRUTH and RIGHTEOUSNESS and choosing to live within these EVERYDAY!!! they are there....we just have to choose to access them......
so...my original point.....
God has been working in me for a while now...but very intensely over the last few days.....to address the power that HE has provided to me and to EVERY believer.......
i love that after attending Bible College...retreats...conmferences....seeing God's hand move over and over......this moment...the things that I "saw" in my life last night.....
still in many ways leave me BREATHE LESS!!!!

Lord,
I long to never loose the sense of amazement when it comes to you. I long to experience you everyday...and in the little things see you and know that you are God.....i long to see you in the big things......the HUGE blessings that you are sending/have sent into my life.....I pray that I never loose sight of you!!!!
Your DEVOTED daughter,
cole

my GOD

is moving mountains..
he is placing me in humbleness before his throne
there is nothing more i need in life then what he has placed before me....
there are things i see.....
there are things yet to be revealed....
for these things i wait.....
with anticipation to see HIM glorified.....
as HE and He alone opens the doors.....
and paves the road (or leaves it as gravel....for it is HIS choice)
i choose to walk in HIM....
to live in HIM....
to love HIM!!!

loving HIM will help me to love others...
especially the one that God is preparing for me.....
prayerfully he is learning to love HIM
so that he can love me in return
a beautiful, sweet love...
love only given by HIM!!

(so many HIMS......that makes me happy!!!)

in the depths

this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness.....

i had a treatment on Thursday......not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right......

Friday i was great.....but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed....and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00........

i had a lot of time to think......a lot of time to be nauseous.....a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room.......needless to say....it was a LONG weekend.....



during my "downtime" i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years.........

i thought back over the provisions.....i thought back over the hurts......i thought back over the joy.....

but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years...........

it is not that i have been all that lonely......but it is the "pain" of my life.........always wanting someone in my life....a physical person to be there.......thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me.......

especially during my journey with cancer......

i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life......

i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of....and that is not the case for me.....

don't get me wrong.....i am being taken care of in many ways......but emotionally and in some ways physically...... i feel as if i have been left out in the desert....walking by myself.......

this place is from the Lord.....it is a place that he has me....there is something is need to experience........

i feel like i could fly

so Christ has truly set us free....now make sure that you stay free......

Gal 5:1

freedom is a funny thing.........

because to be truly free ~ you have to give up your life.....

but it is not as if you are just giving it up ~ you are surrendering......

you wave your white flag and say I'm done.....

I can't do it anymore.....

i am weak

i am tired

there is nothing that i can do to make this better

what you have planned is better then what i have

the first challenge is the surrender......getting to the place where you realize that you need to give it up.......

there is pain in the offering.....giving up can seem like a failure.....it can seem like a last resort ..... to those who love there control it is the hardest....

but the moment you give something up...there is a relief that you cannot explain.....

you feel lighter knowing that a burden is lifted.

the struggle for me usually somes in a day or too....when we are tempted to pick up where we left it at the feet of Jesus.......when we think that we can do this....

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.....

I don't want to mess up what God has started

I don't want to.....

I want to be a bird that is flying thru the air....

I want to be the free to dance and sing....and not be waited down by my "stuff"

Lord that i can dance freely before you...

that i can see what you are doing and know that EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER FOR ME!!!!!

restlessness

my heart is stirring
my mind is realing
my feet are twitching

all i want is change
all i want is newness
all i want is something other then this

lord turn this stirring toward you
prepare my heart for the move you are making
not the move i want you to make

bring peace
bring love
bring a desire for you

i don't want to seek this world for answers
i don't not want to fill my life with meaningless things
i want you to fill me and satisfy.

teach me to rest
teach me to trust
teach me to see

a light at the end of this tunnel

...for those who know me....you know that i hate feeling useless and lazy....and this weekend has been a true test of my strength and reliance on God in this area. this is been an extremely hard treatment.....after the allergic reaction i was in shock and have been nauseous most of the weekend. aside from leaving the house for a few hours (just to sit at my friends and watch movies) i have been sitting and watching TV for 3 days.....at some point in my life this would of made me happy....but i have reached a new place in my life and cannot stand to be out of it. i hate this......
i have been struggling with with loneliness......not all that new of a feeling for me...but it is extremely prevalent. i am 25.....trying to focus on what it is before me...but can't help but see what i don't have. i have so much....there are so many blessings and wonderfulness in my life..... so why am i focusing on the things that are "missing"....its not like they are really missing...as i have never really had them to begin with.....most of what i am "missing" is what i have seen others experience....not something that i have experienced........

but in all that is happening...the hardest thing is knowing that everything that i need in life......answers to questions past, present and future....could all be known to me (in time of course) if i looked into the greatest story ever told. God's word contains all that I need....everything that is uneasy in my heart is there...in black and white......so why do i not cling to it? how do i still function without? why do i struggle day in and day out for something that i know is right there in front of me?

a not so great day

yesterday was my second treatment......
it did not go so well as i had an allergic reaction to the medications.......
the nurse told my that this type of reactions usually happens with the first exposure to the medication..so it happening on the second was weird. they had to stop the drip and put some more benedryl in me....very groggy still.....want to sleep...but i am at work today...gotta make sure the boys get paid.

i am hoping that i can leave soon....go home....put on the jammers and take a good long nap.....then wake up....eat and then go back to bed as i will be sore for the next few days......

i ham hoping to finish a book this weekend as well as catch up/rewatch fav chick flicks......
this is an exciting weekend and i know that you are all jealous...just kidding!

i will repost an update at some point this weekend....
love ya muchly!!

rachel....leah.....and me?

For the last few years God has been taking me through some really rough patches so that I can become the woman that I need to be right? When you are in the midst of the grim and blah of life, it is hard to see the Glory that will come from the tears and pain. For every one, the tears and pains are different, but they are real. Lately, the pain has become a more localized. It has been focused on one area of my life. This area has honestly caused me pain for a long time, but recently has become a joyous pain! Let me explain....using a story from Scripture (where else?)Jacob, the one known as the deceiver, was a master at making his way known. He used what ever he could to get what he wanted out of life. After his mother dies, he journeys toward a new life. He stumbles upon his mother's brother, Laban, and his sheep. Upon arrival he feel in love! Before his eyes lay his dream! A woman who will fix everything!! So, he commits to work for 7 years to marry Rachel. Upon completion of his contract, the wedding festivities start! Here is where the real drama starts. Leah....oh how I identify with her. A sister, a daughter, a friend that has never quite been enough. Scripture says that she has weak eyes. Whatever the writer actually intended for us to see, to me it means she simply was not enough. Her Lord tells her, like He tells us, that she is enough. But from every angle of her life she is being told that she is not enough. Her husband constantly wants another woman. If on the off chance he comes to her, he is thinking of her more beautiful and more desirable sister. The only that she has over "Miss Perfect" is that her womb is open! Leah's only connection to the man that was forced to marry her was his children. The journey that Leah takes during this process is where I will focus that rest of my attention. When Leah discovers that she is the only one that can bear children for Jacob, she gets it stuck in her mind that this will fix all of her problems. This will make this man want her over her sister and in a sense give her power. The first son, Reuben, was intended in Rachel's heart to make her husband come to her (his name means "the Lord has looked upon my affliction: for now my husband will love me" Gen 29:32). She bore this son with the distinct purpose of her husbands attention. The second son, Simeon, brought Leah to a place of feeling desperate and hated (Gen 29:33). The third son, Levi, was a plea for help and acceptance (Gen 29:34). Leah's third pregnancy was one that brought forth a cry from deep within. The forth and final son, Judah, brought forth a different reaction all together...Peace (Gen 29:35). My journey from agony and loneliness is not that different from that of Leah. I have always felt as though I was not enough (more maybe too much at times). I never felt as if I matter to anyone, and sadly, this sometimes translated into my relationship with God. I know that I am not alone in this struggle or insecurity. When Leah was given to Jacob on her wedding day, there had to be something inside of her that longed not to be there. But maybe she hoped that once they got married that things would be different. Maybe she began the journey of justification that we all go through. We excuse things. We allow things to happen to us that are not right. We refuse to stand up for the things that we want because we feel as if we do not matter. This is the way that I see Leah. She was never wanted or desired by anyone. She wasn't the life of the party. She was plain. Then her dad comes in and says that she is to get married. It will be here that is beautiful and praised for a day! It will be here that gets the "love" of a man. She probably got caught up in the excitement of it all and did not realize the gravity of the situation. But reality quickly set in as the sun rose. Jacob, being to excited and possibly a little tipsy for the party, did not realize what had taken place. He quickly let his displeasure be known. He pitched a fit and demanded Rachel to be his bride. Laban, his father-in-law, told him to finish out the week with Leah and then he could have Rachel. So, Leah was on her honeymoon and realized that her new husband did not desire her, but her sister. Every time she was with him, he was longing to be with someone else. The one person that she has always felt inferior to. Probably the one person that she probably longed to be.
I have that person. I have the one that I have always longed to be. I have justified situations and pushed for things that are not right, only to find that I am wrong and unhappy. Wishing and hoping. Longing and desiring for things that I cannot have.
But the great thing about all of this.......GRACE!!
The journey that Leah went on from start to where we are in the story is huge. She went from a place of desperation to a place of longing for God. She realized that life is not about the pain. Life is not about the disappointment. Life is not about abandonment. Life is about God! It's about his presence in you life and about realizing that through it all His name shall be Praised!!!
So..where does Jesus come in? Jesus is known as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah! Not Levi or Simeon, or Reuben. Jesus came from the woman who was unwanted and ugly. He came from the place where Leah realized the importance of God's love in major way!
What can come from your ugliness? What can come from brokenness? What can come from being unwanted?
The greatest things ever!!!!!!
Jesus not only came form this, He experienced the very same things!!!! How much closer to the heart of God can you get?