this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness.....
i had a treatment on Thursday......not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right......
Friday i was great.....but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed....and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00........
i had a lot of time to think......a lot of time to be nauseous.....a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room.......needless to say....it was a LONG weekend.....
during my "downtime" i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years.........
i thought back over the provisions.....i thought back over the hurts......i thought back over the joy.....
but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years...........
it is not that i have been all that lonely......but it is the "pain" of my life.........always wanting someone in my life....a physical person to be there.......thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me.......
especially during my journey with cancer......
i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life......
i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of....and that is not the case for me.....
don't get me wrong.....i am being taken care of in many ways......but emotionally and in some ways physically...... i feel as if i have been left out in the desert....walking by myself.......
this place is from the Lord.....it is a place that he has me....there is something is need to experience........
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
in the depths
Posted by Nicole at 11:42 AM
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