a light at the end of this tunnel

...for those who know me....you know that i hate feeling useless and lazy....and this weekend has been a true test of my strength and reliance on God in this area. this is been an extremely hard treatment.....after the allergic reaction i was in shock and have been nauseous most of the weekend. aside from leaving the house for a few hours (just to sit at my friends and watch movies) i have been sitting and watching TV for 3 days.....at some point in my life this would of made me happy....but i have reached a new place in my life and cannot stand to be out of it. i hate this......
i have been struggling with with loneliness......not all that new of a feeling for me...but it is extremely prevalent. i am 25.....trying to focus on what it is before me...but can't help but see what i don't have. i have so much....there are so many blessings and wonderfulness in my life..... so why am i focusing on the things that are "missing"....its not like they are really missing...as i have never really had them to begin with.....most of what i am "missing" is what i have seen others experience....not something that i have experienced........

but in all that is happening...the hardest thing is knowing that everything that i need in life......answers to questions past, present and future....could all be known to me (in time of course) if i looked into the greatest story ever told. God's word contains all that I need....everything that is uneasy in my heart is there...in black and white......so why do i not cling to it? how do i still function without? why do i struggle day in and day out for something that i know is right there in front of me?