giving it all away.......wait....what?

God....
you know that i am struggling with this......
i have given up so much recently...
and while it has been beautiful.....
why do i have to give up the thing that you have "given" me.....
you answered my prayers....
you showed your self and confirmed in my heart the very thing that i want......
but this is my trial....this is the boulder in my life.....
a test of my faith....
to see if i am serious about following you.....
to see if i truly hold you as the most important thing.....my significance.....my life.....
until i can understand and grasp and live in this mindset....i will continually go through this cycle.

lord....teach me to do this willingly....to submit to all that you have before me...
teach me to be content in where i am at...longing only for you......

living in what he has spoken

God....you have spoken life into my heart.....you have given me a clear vision....a clear path.....i pray that i can live in it!!! i pray that i can trust you...i pray that i will live in preparation for this.....i pray that i can stand ready before you!!!

strength for today...and forever

Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion;
they will not be defeated but will endure forever,
Just as the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the Lord surrounds his people, both now and forever
Psalms125:1-2


Lord, I trust in you....
as i am walking into my fourth treatment, having already been in the depths of despair....
i trust that you are going to hold me....
i pray that you would continue working in my life.....
revealing things to me.....
helping me to understand this place that you have me.....
teach me to be yours.....
both now and forever more......

my hands hold safely to my dreams

clutching tightly not one has fallen

so many years i've shaped each one

reflecting my heart, showing who i am

now you're asking me to show

what i'm holding oh so tightly

can't open my hand; can't let go

does it matter?

should i show you?

can't you let me go?

surrender, surrender

you whisper gently

you say i will be free

i know but can't you see

my dreams are me,

my dreams are me

say you have a plan for me

and that you want the best for my life

told me the world has yet to see

what you can do with

on that's committed to your call

i know of course what i should do

that i can't hold these dreams forever

but if you give then now to you

will take them

away forever?

or can i dream again?

~ Barlow Girl~

i stand amazed....

there is one thing that i have learned from my God......
everything in my life is set into motion byt HIM....

if i live in believe of that...
i can understand how everything falls into place......

let me explain...
over the past few days i have been struggling with a "sin" in my life.....
it is something that creeps in and out of my life....causing me heartache and guilt....
i have been seeking the heart of God trying to understand why it is this particular sin that I struggle with......not that I want to invite another sin into my life...but I want to understand the root of this sin in my life....so that when it starts to happen i can better understand and address it.....
so I have been looking at this sin....looking at its effect on me.....and understanding it....
yesterday i left work early...the church that i am at was having a 12 hour prayer vigil yesterday...and i wanted to get in on some of that action......while driving i was listen to a message that a friend had given me over a week ago that I had not listened to yet.....it was on healing....while it was meant to deal with my cancer (i was healed a few weeks ago...woot woot!!)...the message that struck me the most was the message of being free from emotional hurts and habitual sins.....and as this was a place that God had me....i listened closely.
then at Switch (wed nite youth) Mark(youth pastor) was talking about in many ways the same thing.....but he approached it from the ARMOUR OF GOD angle.....taking up the things that God has already given us.....salvation (sanctification), this WORD, TRUTH and RIGHTEOUSNESS and choosing to live within these EVERYDAY!!! they are there....we just have to choose to access them......
so...my original point.....
God has been working in me for a while now...but very intensely over the last few days.....to address the power that HE has provided to me and to EVERY believer.......
i love that after attending Bible College...retreats...conmferences....seeing God's hand move over and over......this moment...the things that I "saw" in my life last night.....
still in many ways leave me BREATHE LESS!!!!

Lord,
I long to never loose the sense of amazement when it comes to you. I long to experience you everyday...and in the little things see you and know that you are God.....i long to see you in the big things......the HUGE blessings that you are sending/have sent into my life.....I pray that I never loose sight of you!!!!
Your DEVOTED daughter,
cole

my GOD

is moving mountains..
he is placing me in humbleness before his throne
there is nothing more i need in life then what he has placed before me....
there are things i see.....
there are things yet to be revealed....
for these things i wait.....
with anticipation to see HIM glorified.....
as HE and He alone opens the doors.....
and paves the road (or leaves it as gravel....for it is HIS choice)
i choose to walk in HIM....
to live in HIM....
to love HIM!!!

loving HIM will help me to love others...
especially the one that God is preparing for me.....
prayerfully he is learning to love HIM
so that he can love me in return
a beautiful, sweet love...
love only given by HIM!!

(so many HIMS......that makes me happy!!!)

in the depths

this past weekend was a weekend filled with loneliness.....

i had a treatment on Thursday......not as bad as the last one..but rough in its own right......

Friday i was great.....but as soon as i got off on Friday i got in the bed....and pretty much did not leave from there until Monday morning around 10:00........

i had a lot of time to think......a lot of time to be nauseous.....a lot of time to watch the few channels that I get in my room.......needless to say....it was a LONG weekend.....



during my "downtime" i began to ponder all that has been going on in my life during the last few days/weeks/months/years.........

i thought back over the provisions.....i thought back over the hurts......i thought back over the joy.....

but mostly i thought about the loneliness that i have felt over the years...........

it is not that i have been all that lonely......but it is the "pain" of my life.........always wanting someone in my life....a physical person to be there.......thus leading to long periods of sustained loneliness as people are always walking out on me.......

especially during my journey with cancer......

i have fewer friends now then i have ever had in my life......

i keep hearing all these stories of how people have stepped up and been helped by there friends during the tough times and really been taken care of....and that is not the case for me.....

don't get me wrong.....i am being taken care of in many ways......but emotionally and in some ways physically...... i feel as if i have been left out in the desert....walking by myself.......

this place is from the Lord.....it is a place that he has me....there is something is need to experience........