teach me to breath

my heart is breaking….
but i am not real sure why…..
God has done so much….spoken so many things to my heart…..moved huge mountains…..why am i struggling so hard to have faith?

this morning at our prayer meeting Pastor Chris shared several verses on standing in faith…some encouragement for keeping strong……

luke 18:1 then Jesus told them….they should always pray and not give up
heb 12:3 consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart
gal 6:7-9 do not be deceived… let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Ro 4:19-21 without weakening in his faith…..he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God….being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Heb 11:11 by faith Abraham…..was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made a promise.

Lord i want to stand in these verse….
i want to stand in all that you are…..in all that you have spoken…..

but my heart is breaking as i watch him fall apart…..
i wish i could take his pain away….show him your heart….show him what you have spoken to me…..
but i am to wait….i am to stand in faith…..but there are days when i feel like i cannot even breath….where i am funning on a treadmill getting no where…..
i will wait….i will watch as some one else takes hold of my promise….as “hagar” steals my joy…..
but i will not be bitter….i will not be get jealous….
that is my prayer…..that my faith will not waver…..i will not become weary…that I will become be strengthened…….

Lord….give me strength……teach me to breath……

leaving the past behind.....

..one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and

straining toward what is ahead, i press on

toward the goal to win the prize for which God

has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

phil 3:13b-14

this morning i went to a prayer service at church.....i have grown to love praying every morning with this group of people....waking up and getting ready for my day in the presence of God has been amazing.....truly.....

but this morning was especially wonderful for me.....

you see i have been struggling for months...wrestling not only with my flesh, but with God

a few months a go he spoke very clearly to me....and what he spoke into my heart scared me a little but offered a real peace as well...God spoke very specifically about my life....my future and what it would look like and who would be included in that......at first i was ok with it....i was excited!! it was a beautiful picture of my life.....

but as time ticked away i began to grow anxious about so many things....

why was my future not coming now? why was God holding out on me? (a familiar feeling/ struggle)

this joined with no sleep last night as i was wrestling with so much of my flesh.....i was ripe for a bold encounter with my God.

so back to this morning....as i walk into the room, Pastor Layne began to read this passage.....a sweet passage that i haven't read in a while as it was read at my grandmothers funeral a few years ago.....

but this morning i saw something different......and it spoke right to my heart.....

forgetting what is behind...Layne focused on forgetting what God had spoken.....(or shall i say that is what God opened up in me)......he challenged us to think differently& pray differently..

this is something i had been trying to do....

this was something that loving people had opened my heart toward, but i had been very resistant to it....it meant loosing something...actually loosing control (most of us have that issue)

but more then that....

instead of letting God continue to work in me and move in my heart afresh...i was eating last months feast!!!!

i was settling for living in what HAD happened and not looking to live in what WAS happening....

when i realized that this morning....everything changed!

i was missing out on so much by clinging to a moment with my God that happened months ago. i know there will be times when we have to cling to what God has spoken as it will be all that we have.....

but right now..for me....if God is calling me deeper into his love...then i do not need to stand here....i need to run toward his heart!!! run after all that God is!!!!

Lord I cannot wait for you to move!! I cannot wait to see where you are going to take me......

how

how do i let him in?
how do i open my heart....a heart so wounded by life?
a heart that is longing for love...and has the chance to have it....but can't allow him in?

Lord....heal the hurt...make me whole....let me open my heart to the one that you have given me.....help me open up to You and what you have....help me to step into the doors that you are opening....help me to understand what you are speaking....help me to listen to your heart!

Lord you are showing me my future....you are developing a heart for ministry and life.....you are giving me a passion for you and those who have no idea who you are.....
please clarify who i am and where you are leading me.....
take me deeper with you!!

waiting quietly

last night i reached a point of desperation......and then a beautiful place of peace......

it has been a little over a week since i got the all clear from the doctors from the cancer.....
(so YEAH!!!!)
but since the appointment...i have been almost numb.....
getting the all clear stressed me out...in a major way.....

i had spent so much time focusing on the chemo....getting through that.....
understanding what i was facing and focusing on God....
that when i did not have that....my life became a basket turnover......
i was back to a place of too many question marks......
add a stressful work week on to it and i felt like a hampster running on the wheel....
loosing his footing and being tossed around before the wheel finely stops.....

while i was getting things ready for SWITCH last night...
i began to sweat....i could not stop.....it was pouring off of me....
my first thought was hormones.....adjusting to a "normal life"....
i got some water and set down by myself for a little while......
i began to breathe.....
i began to pray and sit quietly and receive what God had for me......
this is what i typed into my cell phone as i did not have my journal....

I claim you as Lord of all that I am and all that you are making me into....

you are my bright and morning star...you are the healer of my heart...

you are my husband....you are my love.....my all powerful God...

wanting nothing but the best for your daughter....

desiring life.....desiring my heart.....broken...fractured....

happy and satisfied.....believing in you Father...

i don't have to come perfect, happy or complete.....

i just have to come...i just have to trust and know YOU!!!

i will wait quietly....

i will trust in YOUR mighty hand.....

as worship started....i stayed in a place of quietness....
in a posture to receive......
expecting nothing more then to meet with my Jesus...
to allow him to calm my fears....to quiet the raging sea.....

one of my girls....whom i love dearly.....is in a similar place.....
she came to me very frustrated....much like i had just been....
as she cried....i saw my life....i saw the tears that i could not cry......
i saw the restlessness in her eyes that was so familiar.....
i prayed for her...
i prayed she would find that peace and that quiet....
i prayed God would be all that she needed....
i prayed the words for myself as well.....

God proved faithful.....as he always does.....
God allowed me to be touched my him....God gave me strength......
it is not going to be an easy road ahead of me.....
i will be fighting my flesh....
fighting all that I am so that i can get past the lies that i have believed....
understanding God....
understanding myself....
understanding love

God...this is going to be a crazy journey...

it is crazy that you are reminding me how i am so much like Sarah.....

i have created Ishmael's while waiting for my Issac....

today....i wait for my Issac...whatever it is...

however long it takes.....

i will wait quietly

i will rest in the Lord

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip

He who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forever

giving it all away.......wait....what?

God....
you know that i am struggling with this......
i have given up so much recently...
and while it has been beautiful.....
why do i have to give up the thing that you have "given" me.....
you answered my prayers....
you showed your self and confirmed in my heart the very thing that i want......
but this is my trial....this is the boulder in my life.....
a test of my faith....
to see if i am serious about following you.....
to see if i truly hold you as the most important thing.....my significance.....my life.....
until i can understand and grasp and live in this mindset....i will continually go through this cycle.

lord....teach me to do this willingly....to submit to all that you have before me...
teach me to be content in where i am at...longing only for you......

living in what he has spoken

God....you have spoken life into my heart.....you have given me a clear vision....a clear path.....i pray that i can live in it!!! i pray that i can trust you...i pray that i will live in preparation for this.....i pray that i can stand ready before you!!!