the day after

i am sitting at my desk at work, 24 hours after my first treatment. i am feeling a little tired and dizzy, but nothing that i was not really expecting.
i got to spend the afternoon with my mom yesterday and that was fun...i am really starting to fall in love with mom as a friend verses just my mom......i wished i had had the chance to discover this years ago...but i will take this right now and live in this moment as long as i can.....

i had an amazing God moment yesterday as I was starting chemo. my iv was going and i was sitting in my chair.....ipod and some worship music in my ears.....reading a letter from a new friend. she was giving me words of love and encouragement from God as i was embracing what was happening......in a sweet moment of surrender, i experienced God like i never have. His love was so real to me in that moment. i knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was all over this experience and that he was loving me......and that he was protecting me in ways that i could not see......
it is amazing how our view of God changes over time. as we grow up He is this strong and mighty God....as the toils of life come, he becomes smaller and less needed......and at some points simply dis guarded........then some thing starts to change inside and we have a longing to see Him for who He is....but we can't seem to get there.....then we are forces to face the reality of God because we have no choice but to do so........

yesterday i talked to one of my best friends...she told me that she was mad at God and had absolutely no desire to fix it.....this broke my heart for many reasons....but mostly because i cannot imagine my life without this great big VICTORIOUS God.....i pray that she will listen to HIS still small voice....He is a mighty God.......

something else that I have noticed about life.......when God is the center.....there is less stress and things just seem to happen naturally......

thge day my life will change.....forever

tomorrow is the day that I start Chemo.....thursday......a day that will for a long time signifigy the drs office......a day when everything changes......

this is a day that i have been anxiously awaitng...yet dreading with so much of who I am .....

there is so much happening........

God is moving mountains...literally and figeratively.....

things are changing everyday for Him......this is the craziest time in my life........

as I am sitting here downloading some music to go onto an ipod that I borrowed from a friend....trying to get some good music to listen too that will help to keep me in the pressence of God as I am sitting there in the sterile room....

tonight at church I cried.....
God is taking me to places that I am amazed by.....providing chances for me to minster and be minstered.....God is taking me to this HUGE cliff and asking me to have faith to jump off in faith and trust HIM......allowing Him to love me truly and fully and in ways that I never thought possible.....I have learned things about God that have rocked my world already and I have not even seen the worst of it....I know that God is preparing me for something big by laying the ground work of faith and trust and love and beauty.......
i cannot imagine what He has in stort for me.....

so....what have I been thinking on these last few days.......
if God brings us to it....then He will bring us through it.......He had set every step into motion....every hair on my head (while they last) are known by him........so what in this world do I have to worry about......if God can take care of the Birds of the air (matt6) then surely he will take care of me whom he loves died for.......

Lord I pray that you will become more real to me.....I pray that i will see you EVERY STEP of the way.....i long to see you and experience that things that you have for me.......

God is amazing.......

I just talked to a lady that has offered me a free place to live during Chemo. This lady heard about me during a prayer session that a friend attended. She approached my friend and offered me a room through Chemo and a little after to get myself back on my feet. For weeks I have struggled knowing what to do and what the next step is for me to take in order for me to recover. This is huge.
It is not set in stone, but it is an offer. I am going ot meet tomorrow night and see if we will be a fit. Please be in prayer for this as I take this step and continue to trust in a GREAT GOD!!!

rambling thoughts

with all that things that are happening in my life.......why am i not freaked out? where is this peace coming from?? what is happening in my life?? this is very uncharacteristic of me

the last few months i have learned so much about myself, my family, my God and my life. here is a glimpse of my heart and the things that i have learned.....

1. no matter how much we push....God is going to win in the end
no matter what we are desiring, God will eventually shine though.......so why push for something we know we should not have and get hurt???

2. you can have dinner with friends from High School 8 yrs later and it be like you never left each other....even when there are husbands and babies involved (i love hanging out with my friends babies....when they get fussy...you can give them to there moms)

3. moving back in with your parents is humbling...i did it for surgery....those who are there for an extended period of time......i have a new respect for ya....and i am praying for you.

4. having someone to do your laundry and cook for you is great!!!!!!

5. the word cancer is scary....but the changes it brings can be amazing......freeing....

6. putting your complete faith in God is also freeing......as long as you keep it there

7. there is no formula for love.......we all love.....we all have different ways of showing it and receiving it.....the trick is allowing yourself to receive it.....letting the other persons need to love you shine through.....

8. true friends are amazing......people who use you SUCK.....but we must trust God that any interaction with truth will be used for HIS glory (i am praying for you....i pray you can find truth).

9. God shows up in the most unlikely places....and it will blow your mind!!!!

10. growing up is slightly scary because life becomes extremely REAL.....but looking at others as they grow up is beautiful......

most of these ramblings have come from the time that I have spent with 3 of my best friends from high school. i am so thankful that i have had a chance to hang out with these beautiful girls....looking at where we have come from.....and seeing where we are.....and smiling at the future. we are all in different places in life and it is beautiful!!! i have missed my girls.......

The Posture of Acceptence and Expectation

this was originally written this summer........for some reason i never posted it.....but it is very fitting for what is happening in most of our lives right now....

On Sunday (july 31, 2007) I went to church with mom & dad. (while I enjoy there church, it is not Highlands) But as I was sitting there, listening to the message, God was speaking volumes to my heart. The associate pastor was finishing up a message series that was taking the church through the book of James. I was excited as James is a book about Faith. A book about reaching deep inside and really looking not only at your heart, but at the faith the drives us all.

The pastor told a story of when he was a child visiting his grandparents during the summers. One particular summer there was a drought and being that it was a farming community, this was a rough summer for the community. His grandparents and the community spent a lot of time in church that summer praying for rain. He focused on one night in particular that has affected him to this day. During this night, they had a prayer service for rain. They prayed for a long time at the church as they had done before. But this night as they were leaving the church, he noticed something different about the way people were leaving. Everyone was looking up. As the members of the church were leaving, there heads were turned toward the sky, as if anticipating the rain. As they returned home, the nights normal routine was abandoned as his grandfather spent the evening in the carport kneeling to pray and then looking to the sky. After a moment, the process started over. After while, they returned to the house to watch some tv and hang out. The normal early to bed rhythm was also forgotten for the evening. The pastor's grandfather would take a walk outside from time to time and repeat the kneeling to pray and looking up to the sky. As morning dawned, there was no sunrise, for the rain had finally come. the pastor made a point to say that there had been many prayer services through out the community during the drought season. People of deep faith had been praying long a hard for the rain for a long time. So what was different about that night?

As I was thinking about it, I began to realize that God wants the very same thing from us. While we may not be praying for rain (although there are people that are), there are big things in our lives that we are desperate to find answers and closure for.

as i was reading my blog today....looking back over the last year....i was taken aback by this.....

as we are in a time of fasting and concentrated prayer at my church, many are seeking God for big things and many are seeking God for little things......i have a few of both.....but one thing that i am seeking God for some specific things.....i have not been faithfully praying and looking for rain!

But God i want to...i want to see you RULE and REIGN!!! i want to see your power in the areas that i have before you...i am believing in your ability to move mountains!!! for you to heal my heart! to make me the woman that you need me to be!!!!

Chemo Update

Hey Guys!!!!!
Yesterday I went to the Dr for my post op check. I was having problems with my incision which turned out to be ok (YAY!!!). During the visit, I was able to get some information about the upcoming journey commonly known as Chemo.
Dr. Austin said that I will have 4 maybe 6 treatments. They will be three weeks apart and can happen on Thursday so that I can rest over the weekend and be back at work on Monday. I will loose my hair......so I am heading to my stylist to get a cute bop in anticipation of the event. (any suggestions of a cute cut would be appreciated). I also took a moment to look over some baby pictures to see what my head will look like in just a few short weeks. and I am happy to report that I have a nice head (and as I did not have a full head of hair until I was three.....there were lots of photos to look at to verify the roundness of my pretty head).
The Dr. has put me on a multi vitamin and iron in preparation for this.
While things are good.....there are a few things that need prayer.
* I am still looking for a place to live. There are some great things in the works, but I want to be sure that I am in the place that God needs me to be during this time.
* While I will be able to work through this journey, there are still some financial needs that need to be taken care of. Again, God is already moving here, but I need to have faith in HIS provisions.
* God is doing some things in my heart through this that are bringing me some clarity about where He is taken me. Please pray that this continues and that I will take it deeper and embrace the changes that are happening.

I am so thankful to God. He is taking care of every step. I can look back over the past year, in all of its chaos and see how HE has prepared me to be right here. His hand has moved me (sometimes gently and sometimes with a little bit of pain) to the places that I need to be.
Thank You for being a part of this journey. Thank You for being a part of my life.

Sitting at His Feet,
Nicole

..do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold eoth my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10

Processing the News

It has been a week since my life changed forever. Having surgery was a major undertaking in and of itself. But in the days following, my world quickly begun to spiral seemingly out of control. I found out that they took out my appendix (by the way...what purpose does this clearly disposable organ serve?) Then i found out that I have been given a couple of years to have a family and then they are going to do a hysterectomy. Seeing as I have been wrestling with the fact that I do not really want to give birth to my own children...this was not that hard to take...well..loosing my girly parts were hard....but then the shocker came. When they took out my cyst and right ovary and tube, they discovered that it was tumor. They sent it for testing and found that it is cancerous. Luckily it is Stage 1, which means that it is the earliest that it could of been caught. After that, I was informed that I am going to need to go through a round of chemo just to ensure that it is all gone. That is a little scary and something that I am struggling with. It is scary to have chemicals and stuff entered into your veins that are so strong that they are going to make my sick adn loose my hair. This may be vanity...but I love my hair!!!! It is one of my favorite things about myself. Going bald is going to be something that I am going to have to get used too.....and what it is going to return as is scary too........
Anyway..........
Honestly, the hardest part for me is being alone. I am surrounded my friends and family and have lots of support, some coming from places I never expected. I am greatful for the people in my life and am trying to accept the way that they are showing there love to me. Everyone loves diffrently. Everyone shows there the only way they can. And what I have been discovering over time is that the problem that most have is two fold. Love has expectations. The person giving and the person receiving expect something from their "transaction" (not to reduce love to a gas station purchase....but stay with me). The thing that I have been learning is that the people who love me the most have a need to let me know. They are struggling with the information as much as I am. They are trying to wrap their brains around what their lives are going to be like and try to understand what their rolls need to be/can be to me during this. The beat example that I have of this is the relationship that I have with my mom. I know that she loves me...she's mom.....but I have struggled over the past few years trying to connect with her on the level of the woman that I have become during my years away from her at college and beyond. Both mom and dad are amazing, but as with most of us, there are things about them that drive me crazy.
But God has given me a chance to see them completely differently over the past month of so...especially in this last week.
so in short here is what I have learned......
I cannot change the way that someone loves me. I cannot necessarily look at Bubba and say....."I need you to love me this way.." (please note that I believe there are times when this is called for......but this is not one of those times)
Me.....the one who needs love and acceptance in EVERY WAY right now......I need to be able to look at Bubba and say....."thank you for loving me". No matter what it looks like. No matter if it is exactly what my heart is longing for or expecting. I have to trust that God is using Bubba, Frank, June, and Shelia to love me the way the HE needs me to be loved.

TO get extremely personal with you......the root of my loneliness is in the fact that I am about to be 25, am facing cancer, and i am single. God has never given me the chance to experience love in a relationship like that. That is something that I long for. Facing this alone, in my mind, is absolutely terrifying. So at the core of this love journey is God. God is calling me to a place of trusting HIM and Him alone during this time. I need to allow God to love me, comfort me, cherish me, sing over me, support me, and simply be there for me like never before. He needs to be the husband to the husband less.
If I learn nothing else from this, I pray that this is the thing that I can take away.......a chance to experience an intimate God in an intimate way.